A Letter to Haddie

My Dear Haddie,

I can hardly believe its been a week. A whole week since you left my body, and left this world for eternity. I miss you so very much little one.

Your daddy and I have been doing alright since you left. Our days have been a mixture of tears and smiles. Our hearts ache with the emptiness that your absence has left, with the future that will never be. In those moments of sadness and longing, we weep, not so unlike our Savior at the death of Lazarus. But, there is joy too. A smile comes to our face as we reflect upon our brief time with you, seeing you at our doctor's visits, feeling your kicks and hiccups, wondering whether you and Loran know each other in Heaven. 

Even though it is hard to keep going without you, time waits for no one. And yet, we are  not alone... so many have been so good to us. Text messages and phone calls, visits and meals have all served to strengthen our hearts as others come alongside to bear our heart ache with us. Even Jesus, as He prepared for His time on the cross, took His beloved disciples with Him to pray. And we too have found comfort in the company, the prayers, the words of kindness and encouragement of the family of Christ. 

And we have each other. Your Daddy is amazing- the best there ever was. His love for God is evident in the way he loves you. But also in how he loves your mommy so deeply, so patiently, so gently. He takes care of me- even doing the laundry! He really is my best friend, listening as I pour out my heart, praying over us, reading me the Psalms. We've even gone for several long walks the last few days, since the weather has been so beautiful, so perfect. I'm so thankful I have him.

Your big brothers have also been quite helpful in keeping our hearts light. They are so silly and full of energy! They are quite athletic and talented at soccer, so we get to watch them play, which we really enjoy!

We've begun several projects to help us work through missing you and remembering you. I am printing off some pictures to make a small album. I have been trying to talk your dad into building a kind of hope chest to put some of your things in...  but it doesn't look promising. He doesn't think he can do it, but I have faith in him! We've also been picking out places in the yard to put the different plants that people have given us as a way to remember you. Though your little life was brief, it has had a deep impact on us, on our faith, on our hearts, and we want to have these small reminders of our love for you and of God's goodness to us in all of life's circumstances.

I won't lie, its been tough being your mommy. Any time you love deeply, the capacity for pain and loss is all the more present. And I have loved you deeply. But I want you to know I count it a blessing- that God chose me to carry you, to love your little life, to treasure each moment of it. Maybe one day, maybe today, you will know how much I do love you and do miss you. How much I look forward to a day when I will join you, and Loran, and all the saints gone before, in worshipping the Lord for all eternity. 

Love,
Mommy

A Broken Prayer

Many of you have requested a copy of the poem that we read at the service we had for Haddie, so I decided to post it to my blog.

 Though it seems woefully insufficient, I want to thank those of you who have prayed for us, encouraged us, served us, made food for us, and just loved us. 

It means so much more than my words could ever convey.

A Broken Prayer

Sitting here, attempting to pray,

Yet so many things get in the way,

If my heart is honest, open and true,

I’m not quite sure I want to meet with You.

A grudge, a root has taken hold,

Towards you my Lord, my God of old.

You, the sovereign of all things,

Who has chosen, upon me, this cup to bring

Who could have mercifully allowed it to pass,

Could’ve granted us the joy of life at last.

Instead again its sorrow we await-

A beautiful life, to so swiftly abate.

And we, left here, to weep, to mourn,

“Why again to us have you given this thorn?”

A weight, a burden beyond heavy to bear,

A grief so deep, none able to share.

My selfish mind envies, covets, compares,

The happy good of others to mine so unfair.

How can we faithfully walk through these days?

When our life is filled with abundant loss and pain?

My heart cries again,"Take this cup away!"

And yet I know that mine isn’t Your way.

My way seeks comfort- a life of happiness and ease,

But You, oh Father, are willing to sacrifice these.

For holiness of heart, a hope that draws me to thee,

For a glory far greater, for a good I’ve yet to see.

Yes, you’ve proven it over, time and again,

That your greatest blessings aren’t of this land.

Your desires for those you call you own,

Isn’t the fullness of an earthly home.

You love your children too much to give

Only happy pleasures and worldly thrills.

Better’s the unshakeable peace and steadfast hope that will last

Beyond a time when this tent has passed.

But these greatest gifts come as we walk through the fire,

For only then can you refine our heart’s true desires.

Though it should be You, God, who is worthy alone,

A love for this world, for its idols is shown.

For this cause you’ve bestowed on the saints come before,

Great suffering and trials to stir a hunger for more,

That they may supremely love you, not people or things of this world,

And fix their eyes, their lives upon your heavenly shore.

So as I struggle, and wrestle, so deeply within,

To love my baby girl until her brief life may end.

Please gently open my soul to accept your plan,

To trust all that comes forth from your faithful hand.

To bring my broken heart to the place where your Son,

Was given for me, so unworthy a one.

To rest in the knowledge that the greatest loss ever felt,

Was the one YOU suffered to redeem the precious people you beheld.