Holes. In the weeks since Loran's birth and passing, that's what I feel most- the holes. A hole in the ground where her body now resides. The hole in my arms where there was supposed to be a baby girl to hold. The hole in our family of five, only four of which are present. The hole in my future where my purpose was to stay home and care for our little girl, but there is no little girl who needs to be cared for. And the deepest hole is the one left in my heart- the emptiness that comes from the loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of a relationship with my daughter as I watch her grow and become a young woman. All this love for a little girl who isn't here to receive it.
I am acutely aware of the holes.
And I know that anyone that is reading this who has ever experienced a loss of any kind (death, divorce, rejection, severed relationships, etc.) has felt, or may be still feeling, the holes. The empty places that were once filled with a presence, a love, a relationship, but now stand as a stark reminder of that which has been removed or "dug out" from your life.
As I have wrestled with these holes, I started wondering if there were any holes in the bible and what God did with them or how He used them. It probably sounds silly, but when I struggle with things, I always wonder if they are somewhere in the bible. I am not a biblical scholar of any sort, just a woman who loves to read God's Word. So my simple mind googled the word "hole" to find out how many times and where it is found in the bible. It was actually in there quite a few times, but there were three times when it stuck out to me and I received some personal application that I want to share with you.
The first hole I was taken to was that of Joseph. Most of you probably know the story of Joseph, which begins in Genesis 37 and continues through to the end of the book. But at the beginning of Joseph's story, we see a hole- a hole that he was thrown into by his own brothers and left to die. His own brothers. I wonder what went through that young teenage boy's mind as he sat there, betrayed by not one, not two, but eleven of his brothers. What fears, doubts, hurts did he feel as he waited to die in a dry pit with nothing to eat, nothing to drink...?
But his story doesn't end there- it doesn't end in the hole. His brothers come and get him when they realize they can sell him as a slave for profit instead... and thus begins a long and difficult road to the exact place that God had predestined Joseph to be. In Genesis 50:19-20, we hear Joseph share with his brothers what he has come to understand: That though they intended to hurt Joseph, God used it for good. So my first understanding was this: God is sovereign in the holes. I don't know what actually went through Joseph's mind while he sat in that hole, but I seriously doubt it was that this was all part of God's bigger plan for his good. Maybe, but it seems unlikely. Yet, it was. And so are many of the "holes" in our lives- they are things that look bad, seem ugly and feel unredeemable. But God uses them. He redeems them and we find that they are really part of His plan, His design to bring us to exactly where He wants us to be.
Now the next "hole" that I was taken to is a little different, and the personal application I found was somewhat indirect, but it was a hole nonetheless and one that spoke to me...
In the book of Ezekiel, we see him prophecy to the exiled Israelites regarding their sinfulness, judgement, repentance, and future restoration. In Chapters 8-11 of the book, Ezekiel is given a vision by God in which the sin of Jerusalem, particularly in the Temple, is being revealed to him, along with the consequences Israel will suffer as a result of their desecration of God's Holy Place. In Chapter 8, Ezekiel's vision of the temple begins. He is led to the entrance of the temple. He sees a hole in the wall of the temple and is then asked to dig it out. As he digs, he then enters the temple through the hole he has dug and before him the hidden idolatry of Israel's leaders is revealed. It is a devastating sight... the very men who had been charged with leading Israel in worship and devotion to God were secretly devoted to other gods, giving their worship to those who would not save them, in the very place that God had designed for His own worship.
In the same way that Israel's idolatry was revealed to Ezekiel as he looked through the hole, so holes in my life reveal my own foolish idolatry. Its often as things are dug out from my heart that the holes reveal the division there, the worship and devotion to things other than the Lord. It's not until financial security is removed that I realize how much I love money. It's not until I'm sick that I realize how deeply I desire good health. And it's not until I lose someone I love that I realize how much hope I had placed in life on this earth. Its often the absence of things that reveals how deeply rooted they once were in my heart. God is a jealous God. He desires to be loved with ALL of our heart, mind, and soul. Nothing less will suffice. So sometimes he uses holes help us to see how we can put aside the cares of this world so that our hearts be more fully devoted to Him.
And the last set of "holes" that I found were the most significant to me. They are the holes of love, of sacrifice, of redemption. In all of the gospels, we read of Jesus' crucifixion in which nails are driven into His hands and feet, making holes. And then days later we see a hole left in His side by a soldier confirming His death...
Those holes are the evidence of Jesus' death, of what He went through for me. They show how much He loved me, they show how much He sacrificed for me, and they are symbolic of His death, through which He redeemed me.
But the most beautiful thing to me is that they are holes of hope and joy too. Because of what He did on that cross, because of His resurrection that would come following that death, I can have hope in eternity, in a glorious kingdom beyond this earth! God brought together the greatest of sorrows- death and pain- and the greatest of joys- salvation, freedom, and eternity with Him- through the holes that came from Christ's sacrifice on the cross! How thankful I am for those holes!
And so I sit here, looking at the deep holes in my life, the aching emptinesses, wondering what God will do with them. How will He use them to work good in my life? How will they reveal my sin and grant me deeper devotion to Him? How will He blend sorrow and joy together and give me a hope that goes beyond this world?
I have some answers to these, but much of it is still unknown... but in this I am confident:
There is no one I trust more than Him with my holes.
And so I bring them to you- my God, my King- pouring them out before you and waiting expectantly to see all that you will do with them.
I humbly ask you to continue praying for us, that God would continue to comfort us and give us faith, peace and joy in the midst of the waves of grief... Thank you :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Life and Love
Life is Hard.
It brings pain, hurt, struggles that we would never choose, that we would never desire to walk through. And yet they come.
Love is Hard.
Love can lead to some of our deepest hurts, can be devastatingly painful as we experience rejection, separation, and loss.
To live and to love is hard.
And yet life and love are simultaneously the way in which we experience many of our greatest joys, our greatest happinesses, our greatest blessings that we will ever have on this earth.
In the wake of Loran Ruth's passing from this life and into eternity, I have wrestled with what to write, what to share with you. About those twelve hours, about the funeral, about the days following... Craig and I have spent much time together these last few days, reflecting, weeping, praying... and these two things keep coming back to me: life and love. So very costly. So very rewarding. So very beautiful.
Life. Its what we begged God to give our daughter: a life.
As we laid awake, night after night following Loran's diagnosis, we prayed for our daughter. She would kick her little foot and squirm around and Craig would lay his head against my belly to listen to her heart beat and we would pray. We prayed many things, but we had one specific, consistent request: that the doctors would be wrong and that God would somehow mercifully allow Loran Ruth to be born alive. We prayed that He would graciously give us a few minutes to see her breathe, to see her look up into our faces, to feel her hand wrap around our fingers. Just alive. We just wanted her to be alive. We knew that sustaining her life was something only He could do, and we didn't know whether it was in His will to grant it, and we trusted Him to do what He knows is best.
But we asked. Oh, how many times we asked.
So when Loran was born, and they wrapped her up and laid her immediately on my chest, there was only one thing that went through my mind: "She's Alive! Thank you Jesus, You answered our prayers and She's Alive!!" And so began Loran Ruth's life... a life filled with love.
Love. Its what we have for our daughter: deep, unconditional love.
We loved her long before we had ever seen her, ever known her. Before she could ever have done anything to earn our love, or the love of anyone else, we loved her. It was love that motivated us to pray for her from the beginning of our knowledge of her existence. It was love that motivated me as her mother to care for my body as best I knew how while I carried her. It was love that prompted us not to induce early, to continue carrying Loran full term, despite her "fatal" prognosis. It was love that moved us to enjoy each movement, each beat of her heart while she was in my womb. It was love that prayed for her continuously. It was love that got me through a natural labor and delivery, since it was her best chance for survival. It was love that filled our hearts as we heard her cry and looked into her precious face when she came into this world. And it was love that she was surrounded by each minute of those 12 1/2 beautiful hours she spent with us on earth.
As we sat next to Loran's grave a few days ago, my heart was broken. It ached for the world to know that even though I don't have my baby, I am a mother. That I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. That I sacrificed for her, cared for her, am proud of her. That I did everything I knew how to love her, that I would have done anything for her, would give anything not to be separated from her. I wept knowing that I would gladly have traded my life for hers, if she could have lived.
And in that moment, I sat in awe of the love and sacrifice of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ.
As His child He loves me. Long before I had the capacity to love Him, He loved me. I couldn't give up my life for Loran, couldn't lay down my life so she could live. But Christ could, and He did. He chose to give His life up for me, so that I could live. What a deep, selfless love.
And I also marveled at the sacrifice of the Father. My heart is broken at the separation between me and Loran as a result of death. Death is a product of the Fall and it separates, divides in a way that God didn't desire for humanity at Creation. I would never choose that separation, never choose for death to separate me from my daughter, from my love for her. But God did. He CHOSE to send His Son to die, knowing that He would be separated from perfect, eternal love of the Trinity. For me. He did that for Me. Wow.
I don't know who reads this, I mean I know some, but I am sure that there are people reading this that I may have never met. Because of that I want to stop here and make sure that you know that you can experience this love. The love I have for my daughter is nothing in comparison to the love God has for His Children. The love that YOU can have if you commit your life to Him, surrender to His Ways, His Love. And His Love is AMAZING. It is what has carried us through this painful time and will continue to carry us. It give us hope, it gives us strength. It can be trusted, it can heal, it is more powerful than you can ever imagine. If you want to know more about this love, feel free to contact me at mesheahardeman@gmail.com, and I would love to tell you more.
Life is Hard. Watching my sweet baby girl's soul depart from her body was hard. Leaving my baby girl in the arms of a nurse who would carry her away from me was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Love is Hard. Loving our baby girl fully means that her absence is very real in our hearts, in our lives. Loving her deeply means that we miss her with an ache that pierces our soul.
But we would do it all again. We would help give Loran Life and we would give her our Love. Life was God's gift to her and to us- a sweet beautiful 12 1/2 hours of life, of feeding her, touching her soft, smooth, pink skin, of hearing her cry, feeling her little hand wrap around our finger... And Love was our gift to Loran. We honored Loran's life by loving her as completely, as deeply, as fully as possible. Her life was spent in the arms of a Mommy and Daddy who loved her, surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother, cousins, friends who loved and cherished her.
So though life and love are often hard and painful, the blessings and moments of joy are completely and utterly worth it.
Loving Loran Ruth was completely and utterly worth it.
Here are a few pictures of Loran Ruth Hardeman's sweet life :)
It brings pain, hurt, struggles that we would never choose, that we would never desire to walk through. And yet they come.
Love is Hard.
Love can lead to some of our deepest hurts, can be devastatingly painful as we experience rejection, separation, and loss.
To live and to love is hard.
And yet life and love are simultaneously the way in which we experience many of our greatest joys, our greatest happinesses, our greatest blessings that we will ever have on this earth.
In the wake of Loran Ruth's passing from this life and into eternity, I have wrestled with what to write, what to share with you. About those twelve hours, about the funeral, about the days following... Craig and I have spent much time together these last few days, reflecting, weeping, praying... and these two things keep coming back to me: life and love. So very costly. So very rewarding. So very beautiful.
Life. Its what we begged God to give our daughter: a life.
As we laid awake, night after night following Loran's diagnosis, we prayed for our daughter. She would kick her little foot and squirm around and Craig would lay his head against my belly to listen to her heart beat and we would pray. We prayed many things, but we had one specific, consistent request: that the doctors would be wrong and that God would somehow mercifully allow Loran Ruth to be born alive. We prayed that He would graciously give us a few minutes to see her breathe, to see her look up into our faces, to feel her hand wrap around our fingers. Just alive. We just wanted her to be alive. We knew that sustaining her life was something only He could do, and we didn't know whether it was in His will to grant it, and we trusted Him to do what He knows is best.
But we asked. Oh, how many times we asked.
So when Loran was born, and they wrapped her up and laid her immediately on my chest, there was only one thing that went through my mind: "She's Alive! Thank you Jesus, You answered our prayers and She's Alive!!" And so began Loran Ruth's life... a life filled with love.
Love. Its what we have for our daughter: deep, unconditional love.
We loved her long before we had ever seen her, ever known her. Before she could ever have done anything to earn our love, or the love of anyone else, we loved her. It was love that motivated us to pray for her from the beginning of our knowledge of her existence. It was love that motivated me as her mother to care for my body as best I knew how while I carried her. It was love that prompted us not to induce early, to continue carrying Loran full term, despite her "fatal" prognosis. It was love that moved us to enjoy each movement, each beat of her heart while she was in my womb. It was love that prayed for her continuously. It was love that got me through a natural labor and delivery, since it was her best chance for survival. It was love that filled our hearts as we heard her cry and looked into her precious face when she came into this world. And it was love that she was surrounded by each minute of those 12 1/2 beautiful hours she spent with us on earth.
As we sat next to Loran's grave a few days ago, my heart was broken. It ached for the world to know that even though I don't have my baby, I am a mother. That I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. That I sacrificed for her, cared for her, am proud of her. That I did everything I knew how to love her, that I would have done anything for her, would give anything not to be separated from her. I wept knowing that I would gladly have traded my life for hers, if she could have lived.
And in that moment, I sat in awe of the love and sacrifice of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ.
As His child He loves me. Long before I had the capacity to love Him, He loved me. I couldn't give up my life for Loran, couldn't lay down my life so she could live. But Christ could, and He did. He chose to give His life up for me, so that I could live. What a deep, selfless love.
And I also marveled at the sacrifice of the Father. My heart is broken at the separation between me and Loran as a result of death. Death is a product of the Fall and it separates, divides in a way that God didn't desire for humanity at Creation. I would never choose that separation, never choose for death to separate me from my daughter, from my love for her. But God did. He CHOSE to send His Son to die, knowing that He would be separated from perfect, eternal love of the Trinity. For me. He did that for Me. Wow.
I don't know who reads this, I mean I know some, but I am sure that there are people reading this that I may have never met. Because of that I want to stop here and make sure that you know that you can experience this love. The love I have for my daughter is nothing in comparison to the love God has for His Children. The love that YOU can have if you commit your life to Him, surrender to His Ways, His Love. And His Love is AMAZING. It is what has carried us through this painful time and will continue to carry us. It give us hope, it gives us strength. It can be trusted, it can heal, it is more powerful than you can ever imagine. If you want to know more about this love, feel free to contact me at mesheahardeman@gmail.com, and I would love to tell you more.
Life is Hard. Watching my sweet baby girl's soul depart from her body was hard. Leaving my baby girl in the arms of a nurse who would carry her away from me was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Love is Hard. Loving our baby girl fully means that her absence is very real in our hearts, in our lives. Loving her deeply means that we miss her with an ache that pierces our soul.
But we would do it all again. We would help give Loran Life and we would give her our Love. Life was God's gift to her and to us- a sweet beautiful 12 1/2 hours of life, of feeding her, touching her soft, smooth, pink skin, of hearing her cry, feeling her little hand wrap around our finger... And Love was our gift to Loran. We honored Loran's life by loving her as completely, as deeply, as fully as possible. Her life was spent in the arms of a Mommy and Daddy who loved her, surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother, cousins, friends who loved and cherished her.
So though life and love are often hard and painful, the blessings and moments of joy are completely and utterly worth it.
Loving Loran Ruth was completely and utterly worth it.
Here are a few pictures of Loran Ruth Hardeman's sweet life :)
Mommy and Daddy watching Loran suck on her little fingers.
We used to watch her do this on the ultrasound!
Sweet little Loran sleeping :)
Mommy loved to look at Loran Ruth and she would just stare right back :)
Loran was holding Daddy's finger while the nurses did some testing. When he moved his hand, she reached up to grab hold of it again... she sure loved her Daddy!
Loran and her Me-mother
Loran with her Papa and Nonnie
Mommy was so proud of Daddy and loved to watch him hold Loran Ruth and take care of her :)
Pastor David came to visit Loran Ruth soon after she was born...
He sure loves babies!
Aunt Jen and Aunt Marsha were there to love on Loran Ruth and take a million bazillion pictures of her! Thank you for making sure we had all those memories to cherish :)
Loran Ruth Hardeman
The most beautiful blessing I've ever been given :)
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