Holes

Holes. In the weeks since Loran's birth and passing, that's what I feel most- the holes. A hole in the ground where her body now resides. The hole in my arms where there was supposed to be a baby girl to hold. The hole in our family of five, only four of which are present. The hole in my future where my purpose was to stay home and care for our little girl, but there is no little girl who needs to be cared for. And the deepest hole is the one left in my heart- the emptiness that comes from the loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of a relationship with my daughter as I watch her grow and become a young woman. All this love for a little girl who isn't here to receive it.

I am acutely aware of the holes.

And I know that anyone that is reading this who has ever experienced a loss of any kind (death, divorce, rejection, severed relationships, etc.) has felt, or may be still feeling, the holes. The empty places that were once filled with a presence, a love, a relationship, but now stand as a stark reminder of that which has been removed or "dug out" from your life.

As I have wrestled with these holes, I started wondering if there were any holes in the bible and what God did with them or how He used them. It probably sounds silly, but when I struggle with things, I always wonder if they are somewhere in the bible. I am not a biblical scholar of any sort, just a woman who loves to read God's Word. So my simple mind googled the word "hole" to find out how many times and where it is found in the bible. It was actually in there quite a few times, but there were three times when it stuck out to me and I received some personal application that I want to share with you.

The first hole I was taken to was that of Joseph. Most of you probably know the story of Joseph, which begins in Genesis 37 and continues through to the end of the book. But at the beginning of Joseph's story, we see a hole- a hole that he was thrown into by his own brothers and left to die. His own brothers. I wonder what went through that young teenage boy's mind as he sat there, betrayed by not one, not two, but eleven of his brothers. What fears, doubts, hurts did he feel as he waited to die in a dry pit with nothing to eat, nothing to drink...?

But his story doesn't end there- it doesn't end in the hole. His brothers come and get him when they realize they can sell him as a slave for profit instead... and thus begins a long and difficult road to the exact place that God had predestined Joseph to be. In Genesis 50:19-20, we hear Joseph share with his brothers what he has come to understand: That though they intended to hurt Joseph, God used it for good. So my first understanding was this: God is sovereign in the holes. I don't know what actually went through Joseph's mind while he sat in that hole, but I seriously doubt it was that this was all part of God's bigger plan for his good. Maybe, but it seems unlikely. Yet, it was. And so are many of the "holes" in our lives- they are things that look bad, seem ugly and feel unredeemable. But God uses them. He redeems them and we find that they are really part of His plan, His design to bring us to exactly where He wants us to be.

Now the next "hole" that I was taken to is a little different, and the personal application I found was somewhat indirect, but it was a hole nonetheless and one that spoke to me...

In the book of Ezekiel, we see him prophecy to the exiled Israelites regarding their sinfulness, judgement, repentance, and future restoration. In Chapters 8-11 of the book, Ezekiel is given a vision by God in which the sin of Jerusalem, particularly in the Temple, is being revealed to him, along with the consequences Israel will suffer as a result of their desecration of God's Holy Place. In Chapter 8, Ezekiel's vision of the temple begins. He is led to the entrance of the temple. He sees a hole in the wall of the temple and is then asked to dig it out. As he digs, he then enters the temple through the hole he has dug and before him the hidden idolatry of Israel's leaders is revealed. It is a devastating sight... the very men who had been charged with leading Israel in worship and devotion to God were secretly devoted to other gods, giving their worship to those who would not save them, in the very place that God had designed for His own worship.

In the same way that Israel's idolatry was revealed to Ezekiel as he looked through the hole, so holes in my life reveal my own foolish idolatry. Its often as things are dug out from my heart that the holes reveal the division there, the worship and devotion to things other than the Lord. It's not until financial security is removed that I realize how much I love money. It's not until I'm sick that I realize how deeply I desire good health. And it's not until I lose someone I love that I realize how much hope I had placed in life on this earth. Its often the absence of things that reveals how deeply rooted they once were in my heart. God is a jealous God. He desires to be loved with ALL of our heart, mind, and soul. Nothing less will suffice. So sometimes he uses holes help us to see how we can put aside the cares of this world so that our hearts be more fully devoted to Him.

And the last set of "holes" that I found were the most significant to me. They are the holes of love, of sacrifice, of redemption. In all of the gospels, we read of Jesus' crucifixion in which nails are driven into His hands and feet, making holes. And then days later we see a hole left in His side by a soldier confirming His death...

Those holes are the evidence of Jesus' death, of what He went through for me. They show how much He loved me, they show how much He sacrificed for me, and they are symbolic of His death, through which He redeemed me.

But the most beautiful thing to me is that they are holes of hope and joy too. Because of what He did on that cross, because of His resurrection that would come following that death, I can have hope in eternity, in a glorious kingdom beyond this earth! God brought together the greatest of sorrows- death and pain- and the greatest of joys- salvation, freedom, and eternity with Him-  through the holes that came from Christ's sacrifice on the cross! How thankful I am for those holes!

And so I sit here, looking at the deep holes in my life, the aching emptinesses, wondering what God will do with them. How will He use them to work good in my life? How will they reveal my sin and grant me deeper devotion to Him? How will He blend sorrow and joy together and give me a hope that goes beyond this world?

I have some answers to these, but much of it is still unknown... but in this I am confident:

There is no one I trust more than Him with my holes.

And so I bring them to you- my God, my King-  pouring them out before you and waiting expectantly to see all that you will do with them.

I humbly ask you to continue praying for us, that God would continue to comfort us and give us faith, peace and joy in the midst of the waves of grief... Thank you :)