Strength

Fear.


Sadness.

Pain.

Anger.

Bitterness.

Doubt.

They're all there.

They're there when I watch a very pregnant mother at Target choosing cute newborn baby clothes and wish I had a reason to do the same.

They're there when I wake up in the middle of the night, panicking because I can't pinpoint that last time I felt her move, and I'm not sure whether the dreaded moment has finally arrived.

They're there when a kind cashier excitedly asks my due date and if we've found out whether its a boy or girl.

They're there as I prepare for the difficulty of childbirth, aware that our "prize" won't get to go home with us.

They're there as we make funeral home arrangements for our very active and alive daughter.

And they're there in those moments just before sleep when my heart desperately wishes our daughter could be healthy, that the future was one that seemed bright with happiness at the arrival of our baby girl, that He would take this cup away.

Yes, its so very true that in those moments (and many others) fear and doubt, sadness and bitterness, anger and pain are there; they are ready. Ready to take root in us, to overwhelm us, to crush us. And in those moments, I realize how truly weak I am. Weak in my faith, weak in my trust, weak in my understanding. In my weakness,  I, Meshea, would embrace all of those feelings, those emotions and allow them to rule my heart and mind...

BUT for the grace of God.  Its because of HIS Grace that, though those feelings threaten and are ready to take over, they are thwarted.  Its in those moments, the Spirit of God demonstrates His POWER by reminding me of God's Promises, of His Faithfulness, His Sovereignty, His Steadfast Love.   And in this, He gives me Strength.

By HIS Strength, gladness can fill my heart for the blessing of a child for the woman in Target.

By HIS Strength, I have joy in my soul as I tell the cashier that our little girl is due in June.

By HIS Strength, I can be thankful for the privilege of carrying and birthing a life, of caring for Loran for all her days on this earth.

It's by HIS Strength that even as we plan her funeral, I know a peace that passes understanding that this world is not our home because eternity is with Christ. 

And its by HIS Strength that I am granted hope in God to work ALL things for good- even the brokenhearted-ness we feel over our situation.

I am so very weak... and yet, HE is so very STRONG.

I have had many people share with me that our strength during this time is an encouragement to them.  I almost laugh and I think to myself, "Me? Strong? If you only knew..." I am so pitifully weak and so I hope that if there is any encouragement, you get it from knowing that God is the strong one. Any strength you see comes from Him as He is faithful to carry out His Word:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

If y'all don't mind, I'd like to share with you a specific request. So many of you have been faithfully bringing us before the Lord and we fully believe that He is answering those prayers by sustaining us daily. THANK YOU. We do tend to find that many of our moments of weakness come at night. If you think of us during the evening, as you prepare for bed, I would humbly ask that you pray for us to be given grace and comfort and peace as we lay down to rest and as we sleep. Again, we have complete faith that your prayers are working in our hearts and lives :)

I read this prayer the other day in Valley of Vision and it became my prayer that day. If you are reading this, I hope that whoever you are and whatever weaknesses you may be struggling with, that this will become your prayer too.

Lord God Almighty, 

I ask not to be amongst the earthly great and rich,

but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.

May my heart be right with thee,

and my life as becometh the gospel.

May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,

and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.

Afford me all the direction, defense, support, and consolation my journey hence requires,

and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.

Give me large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,

that I may be prepared for every duty,

love thee in all my mercies,

submit to thee in every trial,

trust thee when walking in darkness,

have peace in thee amidst life's changes.