Desperate

The whole of God's Word is simply an act of mercy toward us. 

The Law of God mercifully points to our sin, allows those who are His children to see their utter depravity, for only then are they able to confess it, to seek redemption from it.

The Prophets of God mercifully give us hope, confidence in a Sovereign God who had planned a redemption from sin for His people- a Savior.

The Gospel of God fulfills each promise of God in the form of Christ, who bears the sin of those whom He has chosen to call His own, that they might have eternal life with Him.

Yes God has been so very gracious, so merciful in the grand plan revealed in His Word.

And many people know this in theory, having been raised with a broad understanding of the Word of God and its design. 

Yet, I find that there are few people, few "Christians" even who are willing to dig deeper, to read, to study, seek answers from the Word of God themselves- apart from someone telling them what it says.

I myself, not so many years ago, was one of those people.

A believer in Christ? Yes.

Hungry to know God, to seek an understanding of who He was in His very Word? No.

I wasn't desperate enough.

But God has mercifully made me desperate.

If I look back at my life, it is easy to see how many times He has made me desperate:

A heartbroken 17 year old girl.

A lonely camp counselor far from home.

A confused adolescent without a career plan for the future.

A recent graduate with no job prospects.

A foreigner trying to fit into a completely unknown culture.

An excited young woman learning, adjusting to the role of wife and stepmother.

A new mother planning a funeral for her unborn child.

Yes, many times in life, God has made me desperate- Desperate for answers, for comfort, for guidance.

Desperate for things only He can give; desperate for Him.

You see, when I think back on each of those times, what I recall most is not the events themselves that stripped me, that broke me. But rather, I remember the way that brokenness left me seeking more, and how God used that brokenness to draw me to Himself.

It was during those times in life that shallow devotionals and a motivating Sunday message weren't enough to keep my faith alive. 

I needed more- I needed God. 

And so as a 17 year old girl, God gave me the greatest gift He could have ever given me: He made me desperate enough to stop trusting in what I had "always known", in church leaders, in religious books, in friends, etc. He gave me a hunger to seek Him myself- in His very own Word.

And He hasn't stopped since.

With each struggle, each new challenge that comes forth from His hand, I find myself in much the same place: hungry for more, hungry to understand, hungry for my deepest questions to be answered.

And that desperation, that hunger, drives me to the same place it has for almost 10 years now: the Bible.

So it was 4 weeks ago, when our second child, a little girl we have decided to name Haddie, was diagnosed Trisomy 18.

Two Babies.

Two Trisomies.

I won't go into all the details, but according to all known medical science and research, the odds of this occurring the first time was 0.2 %. The odds of it occurring again in any future pregnancy, though a little higher, were still only about 0.7 %

By all accounts, those are pretty good odds.

And yet, there Craig and I sat, living out what felt like the worst version of de ja vu one could imagine- hearing once again about all the abnormalities in our sweet baby's body, watching that tiny soul so "incompatible with life" wiggling around the screen, being given another "unfavorable" prognosis.

Again, God had made me desperate.

Again, I went to the only place I knew to go: His Word.

Now, I wish I could say to you that I went to all those beautiful passages of faith and trust and hope, and I did end up there- eventually.

But I didn't start there. 

The first passage I came upon that very evening was from the Psalms. The Psalms are such a beautiful, merciful part of God's Word. They are a perfect blend of the emotions of the human soul grounded in the Truth and Hope of the promises of God. They have many a time brought such comfort to my forlorn soul, have been a hiding place where I can echo the songs of saints from long ago in their heart cries before the Lord.

Psalm 77 was it. It was the one that so perfectly encompassed the questions, the pain in my heart. I could sense how deeply the psalmist hurt, how defeated and hopeless he must have felt as he wrote:

“You hold my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I consider the days of old,

the years long ago.

I said, ‘Let me remember my song in the night;

let me meditate in my heart.’

Then my spirit made a diligent search:

‘Will the Lord spurn forever,

and never again be favorable?

Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

Are his promises at an end for all time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his compassion?’”

-Psalm 77: 4-9

For weeks, all of those same questions ran through my mind as my understanding of God through the bible wrestled against years of wrong teaching combined with a natural inclination toward a divine-retribution gospel. 

I wanted to believe that God owes me a comfortable life, that He owes me the same blessings that He has given so many around me: a baby, a child, a life to love and train up in Him. I wanted to claim that I deserved it as much as any of them, wanted to ask how God could do this again when we have loved Him, been faithful to Him through so much. I had so many questions I wanted to put before God.

And like the psalmist, I did.

But the thing is, the Psalms almost never stop there. They never stop in the emotions, in the feelings of the heart. They turn back to the mind, to reason, to remembrance, to the Truth. In the same way, the psalmist in Psalm 77 continues:

“Then I said, “I will appeal to this,

to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might among the peoples.”

-Psalm 77:11-19

And like the psalmist, I did. I recalled the ways that God has been faithful, I studied His Word and was reminded of how it promises suffering, trials, difficulty in the life of His people to faithfully bring holiness and joy into the life of the believer and glory unto Himself.

So, though God has answered many of those questions in my remembrance, He has chosen not to reveal all of His answers, His purposes, to us. 

He has chosen to leave us in the best place possible: contentedly, peacefully, desperate for Him.
Desperately clinging to Him alone for comfort.
Desperately remembering all the ways that He has been faithful to us before.
Desperately trusting in Him for strength and grace to live out the life He has planned. 
And in our desperation He is working in us, to grow us, to make us more like Him. 
Please pray with us and for us that God would be glorified in our joys and our struggles, and for sweet little Haddie, that her life, no matter the duration, will be filled with love. 
Here is a picture of our sweet baby girl: