Given, and Taken Away

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

As some of you already know, we welcomed our daughter, Loran Ruth Hardeman, into this world at 7:35 a.m. yesterday, May 28th, 2015. We got to spend a beautiful 12 hours and 30 minutes with her loving her, holding her, cherishing each breath, gaze, yawn, and cry, before she left us at 8:05 p.m. yesterday evening.

 

We have arranged for there to be a Memorial Service at Covenant Baptist Church of Valdosta, Georgia to celebrate her life tomorrow, May 30, 2015. There will be a visitation time at 9:30 a.m. followed by the service at 10:30 a.m. A Graveside Service will follow at the Riverview Memorial Gardens. 

We would love for anyone who would like to come be a part of our celebration for little Loran's life with us. She was a glorious gift from God, and we are blessed to have been her parents on this Earth.

Thank you for your outpouring of love and prayers. We can never thank you enough for the invaluable comfort of these during such a heartbreaking and difficult time in our lives. 

Strength

Fear.


Sadness.

Pain.

Anger.

Bitterness.

Doubt.

They're all there.

They're there when I watch a very pregnant mother at Target choosing cute newborn baby clothes and wish I had a reason to do the same.

They're there when I wake up in the middle of the night, panicking because I can't pinpoint that last time I felt her move, and I'm not sure whether the dreaded moment has finally arrived.

They're there when a kind cashier excitedly asks my due date and if we've found out whether its a boy or girl.

They're there as I prepare for the difficulty of childbirth, aware that our "prize" won't get to go home with us.

They're there as we make funeral home arrangements for our very active and alive daughter.

And they're there in those moments just before sleep when my heart desperately wishes our daughter could be healthy, that the future was one that seemed bright with happiness at the arrival of our baby girl, that He would take this cup away.

Yes, its so very true that in those moments (and many others) fear and doubt, sadness and bitterness, anger and pain are there; they are ready. Ready to take root in us, to overwhelm us, to crush us. And in those moments, I realize how truly weak I am. Weak in my faith, weak in my trust, weak in my understanding. In my weakness,  I, Meshea, would embrace all of those feelings, those emotions and allow them to rule my heart and mind...

BUT for the grace of God.  Its because of HIS Grace that, though those feelings threaten and are ready to take over, they are thwarted.  Its in those moments, the Spirit of God demonstrates His POWER by reminding me of God's Promises, of His Faithfulness, His Sovereignty, His Steadfast Love.   And in this, He gives me Strength.

By HIS Strength, gladness can fill my heart for the blessing of a child for the woman in Target.

By HIS Strength, I have joy in my soul as I tell the cashier that our little girl is due in June.

By HIS Strength, I can be thankful for the privilege of carrying and birthing a life, of caring for Loran for all her days on this earth.

It's by HIS Strength that even as we plan her funeral, I know a peace that passes understanding that this world is not our home because eternity is with Christ. 

And its by HIS Strength that I am granted hope in God to work ALL things for good- even the brokenhearted-ness we feel over our situation.

I am so very weak... and yet, HE is so very STRONG.

I have had many people share with me that our strength during this time is an encouragement to them.  I almost laugh and I think to myself, "Me? Strong? If you only knew..." I am so pitifully weak and so I hope that if there is any encouragement, you get it from knowing that God is the strong one. Any strength you see comes from Him as He is faithful to carry out His Word:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

If y'all don't mind, I'd like to share with you a specific request. So many of you have been faithfully bringing us before the Lord and we fully believe that He is answering those prayers by sustaining us daily. THANK YOU. We do tend to find that many of our moments of weakness come at night. If you think of us during the evening, as you prepare for bed, I would humbly ask that you pray for us to be given grace and comfort and peace as we lay down to rest and as we sleep. Again, we have complete faith that your prayers are working in our hearts and lives :)

I read this prayer the other day in Valley of Vision and it became my prayer that day. If you are reading this, I hope that whoever you are and whatever weaknesses you may be struggling with, that this will become your prayer too.

Lord God Almighty, 

I ask not to be amongst the earthly great and rich,

but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.

May my heart be right with thee,

and my life as becometh the gospel.

May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,

and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.

Afford me all the direction, defense, support, and consolation my journey hence requires,

and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.

Give me large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,

that I may be prepared for every duty,

love thee in all my mercies,

submit to thee in every trial,

trust thee when walking in darkness,

have peace in thee amidst life's changes.

A Fatal Condition

"... but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, 

Christ died for us."

-Romans 5:8

On April 20, 2015, our precious daughter, Loran Ruth was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder. It was later confirmed to be Trisomy 13, which is, medically speaking, a fatal condition. It is a rather rare syndrome and we have had many questions regarding what exactly this condition is and what it means, so I would like to take a minute to share the nature of our daughter's sickness.

Trisomy is a word that means a condition in which an additional chromosome is present in the nucleus of the cell. 

So, basically God's design for the creation and development of life is very specific: 46 chromosomes. In each cell of your body, you should possess a nucleus that has 23 pairs of chromosomes (46 in all). When a trisomy occurs, it means that one of there is an additional, 47th chromosome present. Most commonly it is either the 13th, 18th, or 21st chromosome that is repeated a third time. The pictures below show the difference.

In the picture above, you see a healthy set of chromosomes- each of the numbered pairs has two.

In this picture you can see by where the red arrow points that there are three small chromosomes above the number 13. This is called Trisomy 13- an extra 13th chromosome is present.

The question then becomes: What does this mean? How does it affect our baby?

Well, when a there are the wrong number of chromosomes present, this opens the door to all sorts of physical/developmental abnormalities. Basically, the baby's body won't develop in what is considered the "normal" way. The level of severity depends on which of the chromosomes is repeated. Trisomy 21 is also known as Down's Syndrome, and many people are able to live and function into adulthood with relatively minor disabilities and cognitive delay. Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13, however, are considered fatal- 90% of babies with these extra chromosomes do not ever reach their first birthday. The physical disabilities are usually too severe for them to survive long-term, particularly with Trisomy 13. 

In our case, this syndrome has resulted in a hole in Loran's heart, a missing artery exiting and entering her heart, a missing connection between the cerebellum in her brain, additional fingers and toes, a cleft lip and palate and some other "minor" abnormalities. With so many physical challenges, the prognosis that we have received is that our sweet baby girl will not likely live for more than a few minutes or hours at best. 

Upon learning our diagnosis,  I researched and researched and researched and researched as much information as possible to make sure I had a thorough understanding of the condition that will eventually take the life of our daughter. The more I learned, the more my heart ached for my little girl, how broken she is, how helpless she is to fix herself, and how hopeless her condition is. 

And then the Lord so clearly showed me how very much we already have in common. How she is already so much like me.

Like Loran, I was born with a fatal condition. 

We both have a condition that began at the moment of conception, and one that is basic to our very nature. Both of our conditions result in abnormalities, deformities, that develop and reveal themselves over time, specifically in the heart. And in our state, though our deformities can be repaired, it will not heal the true nature of our condition. We are both are terminal and have one ultimate prognosis: death.

Loran's condition is physical- a chromosomal disorder. Mine is spiritual- sin. Hers leads to physical abnormalities, deformities of the heart and other vital organs. My sinful deformities, though at times less obvious because they are internal, are also of the heart, rooted in the deepest parts of my soul. Though we could attempt to "fix" these abnormalities, her birth defects, or my selfish and sinful behavior, those "repairs" wouldn't fix our true nature and would lead to the same end. Her death will be a physical one, separated from the love of her father and mother on this earth. My death would have been spiritual, separated from My Father for all eternity. 

BUT there is more: we both share one hope for redemption from our condition and we are both loved with a deep, steadfast love despite it. 

My only hope for salvation from my sin, from my fallen nature is in Christ- in the sacrifice He made on my behalf, in His conquering of death that results in His power to change not just my deformities, but my very nature- my heart. He is my ONLY hope. And Christ is our only hope for Loran as well- through Christ we have hope that God has a bigger plan than this condition, that He can bring good from her life and her death, that He will use every moment of her existence to glorify Himself in ways beyond what we can imagine.

And through that hope we can know love, true and steadfast love. I am loved by God- not that I first loved Him, but that He loved me and demonstrated His love for me by sending His Son to die on a cross as payment for the debt that I owed. Though I was broken and deformed, His love has made me beautiful. Because of Him, Craig and I are able to pour out that love on our little Loran- not that she loved us first, but that we love her. That despite her physical state of brokenness and deformity, it is through our love for her that she is made beautiful in our eyes :)

I am so thankful for the way that God's grace is made evident through all situations in life... He blessed me that day with a deeper understanding of who I am and who He is and how to love my precious daughter. We ask that you continue to pray for us as we struggle daily through the waves of grief- that we would hold onto that hope and believe in His love... thank you for being His light in our life.

Ordered Steps?

"The heart of man plans his way,

but the LORD establishes his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

I had a plan. Well, kind of. I wouldn't have called it that, I would have probably called it my "hopes" or my "desires"... but at the end of the day, whether even I realized it or not, it was THE plan. MY plan.

Step 1: Serve the Lord in China until He called me home-check.

Step 2: Wait for the Lord to bring me a godly, handsome, wonderful man and get married- check.

Step 3: Teach for a few years while enjoying the newlywed bliss and adjusting to life as a wife and a stepmom to two boys- check.

Step 4: Have a baby and "retire" to full time motherhood and homemaking- check?

And it seemed like everything was right on track... until a few weeks ago. After serving as an English teacher in China for a year, the Lord opened the door for me to return to the United States... Step 1. During my time in China, my courtship with a wonderful, godly, amazing man (Craig) had developed into something quite serious, and within three months of my return, we were married... Step 2. In ways that only He can do, He provided a job working for godly people that was more perfect than anything I could have even thought to pray for... Step 3. Life had fallen into place so beautifully, and I couldn't believe the blessings that God had allowed me to have. So, after a year of teaching and the ups and downs of adjusting to my new roles, we seemed to have found a balance and decided it was time to allow for Step 4- a baby. So we began praying and opening ourselves up to that possibility and were somewhat surprised when only one short month later we learned that we were expecting our first child together! I marveled at how things seemed to have come together. Could it be that it was all happening? Just like I had imagined?

And then came pregnancy. Somehow I have been fortunate to have a dream pregnancy. Though I expected the worst I found that I had no morning sickness, no nausea, no aversions, no aches and pains... just smooth sailing. I couldn't believe how fortunate I was. When people would ask how I was feeling, I would respond as truthfully as I knew how:

"I'm feeling great, everything is going so easily, but I'm not taking that for granted because I know it can change any day." And I truly meant that. But, Oh, how little I understood the depth of those words...

Until March 30. We went in for a routine check-up and towards the end (after an ultrasound) the midwife returned with a little packet of information and the news that it appeared that our baby had a cleft palate. It was a blow, I won't lie. All kinds of thoughts went through my mind, thoughts that now seem so superficial, so silly. I wondered what she would look like? how bad it would appear? would kids pick on her? would she be able to find a husband one day with a scar above her lip? I went home and struggled through the rest of the day, but with a few days of prayer and research, I had wrapped my head around it and was able to accept it. Now the countdown was on until our appointment with the specialist to determine how severe it was and what kind of surgeries we may need, etc.

Fast forward to April 20. I was a combination of anxious/excited/nervous to see our baby on the higher level ultrasound. I wanted so badly to know how severe her cleft was, secretly hoping it was minor, something a simple surgery could repair... I now look back and remember what seems like the longest day of my life. The appointment took forever, we waited for almost an hour and a half before even being called back. When we finally did go back, they began the ultrasound that also took another hour or so. When she first started, our kind technician did all of the normal scans, and after a few scans of her face, we quickly recognized that our baby girl had a complete cleft of the lip and palate.

"Okay, we can do this."

My mind went to planning and processing... as the technician continued her thorough inspection of our baby... a little too "thorough" around the heart.. the brain... the spine... but not the face.

"Doesn't she know why we're here? Our baby has a cleft.. shouldn't she be looking at her face? Why is she taking SO many pictures of her heart? her spine? her brain? Does she see something I can't? Is there more?"

All of these agonizing questions rolled around in my mind for the duration of the ultrasound, which seemed like an eternity. Finally, she put the tools away and said she would step out to find Dr. E. So there sat Craig and I...

"She sees something else doesn't she?"

"Yeah, definitely something with the spine.."

"What do you think she saw?"

"I have no idea.."

And there we sat for 15 minutes going back and forth with our questions. Still, I wasn't prepared. When the doctor walked in he greeted us, but it was very methodical and ominous. He said that though he was sure the cleft was obvious, "its clear your baby has some more serious issues."

"My baby? The one on the screen?"

He then proceeded to go through, in medical terms, each of our baby's vital organs and explain what was wrong them. Her heart has a hole, it's missing a major artery, her brain isn't connected, her liver has too much calcium, her kidneys are the wrong size... on and on and on. (On the summary sheet we received later, there was a neat little chart which showed that more of her parts were considered "abnormal" than "normal") Craig and I just sat there, holding hands, nodding...

Dr. E finished his explanation by concluding that our baby most likely had a genetic disorder, a chromosomal one. A Trisomy. (we would later learn Trisomy 13 to be exact...) "Do you know what that is?" he asked. I did. Unfortunately, I did. Craig said, "No", so the doctor proceeded to explain it to him, while my mind drifted back to a blog about a sweet woman and her daughter Nora Rose, who had been born with Trisomy 18. I recalled how I had followed her blog years before and ached for her, cried for her, prayed for her... and now, it seemed, I was to be her. The doctor explained how our daughter's condition was fatal, how she was "incompatible with life" (a phrase that I have now come to deplore because of how often I have to hear it in reference to my living baby girl...) The doctor offered us a few moments alone before sending us to have a blood test to be done to confirm his diagnosis. Up to this point, my movements, responses had been almost mechanical, nodding, agreeing, but the second he left, Craig pulled me into his arms and we just cried.

No words, no thoughts, just sorrow. Just brokenness. The loss of our child. Our hopes, our dreams, our plans. OUR plans.

"This ISN'T part of the plan."

As soon as I thought it, I realized that it wasn't true; it wasn't part of MY plan. But it had always been a part of HIS. God had known. He had known when He created her life. He wasn't taken by surprise, caught off guard. He formed her. Of course He had known all along. And He knows more still: He knows how long her life will be, how much we will love and miss her, how He will sustain us through each day and the days ahead, how He will give us faith that is not of ourselves, peace that is beyond understanding. He already knows, has already PLANNED the good that He will bring out of the brokenness and heartache we are now experiencing.  Most of all, He already KNOWS how He will be glorified and honored through it all.

THESE are the steps that HE ordered. I can't pretend we understand why, and honestly that's not a question that has even come into our minds. I know that I don't know, that I may never know why the Lord has given, and why the Lord is taking away. But I understand that He loves me, that He cares for me, that He promises to be faithful to me. And so we have peace, we have hope. Not in the circumstances we are in, not in the sickness of our daughter, not in our future loss of her. But in who God IS. Who He has ALWAYS been. In who we KNOW Him to BE.

And knowing Him means we can trust Him, hope in Him, rest in Him, to fulfill His glorious and beautiful purposes in and through our life, our loss, our sorrow and the precious life of our sweet Loran Ruth.